Uncertain Middles-Resolutions
by MuseandMe2
Summary: When Janeway and Chakotay are forced to live together on a deserted planet, their professional relationship changes as feelings and new roles develop.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This is an immediate continuation of the Uncertain Middles stories. Not necessary to read the previous but it may help explain how they got to this point. Thank you for reading!**

Chakotay landed on the lush green planet and made short work of setting up the mobile housing unit. He looked at the plentiful forest and resolved to start making some personal touches to soften his cold gray Starfleet issued abode. In time, he hoped he could rig up a lever to help him build a proper log home. He considered briefly asking the Captain for a few spare bodies knowing they could erect one with him in a matter of hours but quickly dismissed it.

He shook his head trying to free it of thoughts of her but found the quiet desolate solitude a perfect recipe for deep personal thinking. After a long day setting up his new home, he sat by a small campfire that night, muscles aching, and fondled the communicator Tuvok had given him. He realized that Voyager had probably broken orbit long ago. By his estimate, they would be out of range in the next twelve hours or so. The clock was ticking for any second thoughts. After a while, he walked into the house and placed it high on top of a shelf to forget her and the life he had left behind.

As he walked back out to extinguish the flames, he noticed a small figure standing by the campfire. Strands of hair blew in the night air and Chakotay instinctively ran back for his weapon. Sensors had shown no sign of life other than animal on the planet but that didn't mean someone couldn't have landed just as he had. He ran back to the door and noticed the glint of a metal object as they turned towards him.

Chakotay stepped out and raised his weapon. He took a few more steps and realized it was a woman. She put her hands up and waited for him to approach. As he did, her face became familiar and he slowly lowered the phaser. "Captain?"

"Hello, Chakotay." She pointed at the phaser. "I didn't realize you were still that angry at me."

"I didn't know who you were at first. Why are you here? Have you come to beg me back or is this a personal goodbye?"

Janeway looked away and remained silent.

Chakotay's gaze swept over her. "I thought Voyager would be two days away from here by now. Did you wait to see if I would call first? Because that's obviously not happening."

"I know," she said quietly. "I actually came to ask you something important."

"Really?" He drew close to her. "Then you are here to ask me to come back on board. That's not happening either, Captain. I'm not that special to you, remember? You said…"

"I know what I said!" Janeway snapped. She wiped a hand across her forehead. "Look, Commander, I hate to shatter your ego again but this isn't about you. Or me. It's about the crew."

"The crew? Why do I feel like we're two divorced parents always squabbling over what's best for our kids?"

"Because we are, in a way. Actually, that's exactly what we are."

Chakotay smirked. "Trouble with the Maquis? Have they refused to support your command? Are you stuck here without their loyalty without me aboard ship?"

Janeway took a breath and composed herself. "No, Chakotay. They are actually perfectly ready to continue our journey home with me."

He took a step back. "Really? Then why are you here? Is it just to gloat before you go?"

She shook her head. "You really have that low of an opinion of me? That's not my style, Chakotay, and you know it. Look, I know you're hurt and you're angry. I can't be the first woman who's ever said no to you. You'll live, believe me. But I…I won't. At least not if I leave here. That's why I came."

Chakotay frowned. "What are you talking about? When Tuvok said you were with the Doctor, he said you had an insect bite."

"I did. Has anything bitten you while you've been here?"

He shook his head. "No, I don't think so."

"We'll have the Doctor check to be sure."

He tried to put his hands on her but she pulled back. "Kathryn, what's wrong? Is the bite poisonous? The Doctor can…"

She shook her head. "No, Chakotay, he can't. He's tried everything. And to stay here and try and find the antidote even if we could trap the insect that bit me…it would take too long. Time we don't have to lose. Not for one person. I'll be fine as long as I remain here on this planet." She looked up and said, "I can't leave. I have to stay. And with me here, I need you to go back to Voyager and take them home."

Chakotay felt the breath leave his body as he listened to her words. "No," he said finally. "No, there's going to be another way."

"No, there isn't. The Doctor's looked at everything. You have to go."

"No! I won't leave you here."

She put her hands on her hips. "You can and you will, Commander. That's an order!"

Chakotay dropped down to her level. "I'm not a member of your crew any more, Kathryn. Your orders mean nothing to me. I am not leaving you here. It will be over my dead body which is exactly what you should have said to me when I asked to leave!"

Janeway's anger dissolved as she grabbed his arm and said, "Please, Chakotay! They need you. You have to get them home. Believe me. Everything has been done on the Doctor's end of things. There is nothing that hasn't been looked at. You have to go. For me. If you really care, please do this."

He shook his head. "No. Tuvok can get them home. You're not punishing yourself and sacrificing your life. I'm staying here with you."

"Chakotay," she said.

"Period! End of story! We stay here together."

Janeway stepped back and her hand flew out as she slapped him across the face. Chakotay reeled and put a hand against his reddened cheek as she flew into his face. "If this is some fantasy of yours that you and I will live alone on this deserted planet and live happily ever after, you can forget it! It's not happening! Not ever!"

He gave his cheek a final swipe. "It already has, Kathryn. You already love me. You just won't admit it." He walked away from her and stood by the dwindling fire as he listened to the night chatter.

She let the silence go between them for a few minutes before she said, "If you mean what you say about loving me, then you'll do what I ask."

"That's emotional blackmail and you will never use me that way. I won't allow it."

"Then, if you know that I am using you, you also know that I don't care for you the way you want me to. I can't."

"I know that." He kicked at a small stone on the ground. "I know you're not over Mark yet. Of course, now you'll have to be."

She shrugged and said, "Yes, I will. This is one way to get over him and let go as you've pointed out. So congratulations, you win. But I will not live a romantic life here with you, Chakotay. Please go back home. Go back to your life and find someone who deserves you."

He watched her turn away. He knew she was upset but, as desperate as he was to go and comfort her, he knew it wouldn't help. She needed to grieve and he was glad she was finally giving herself permission to do it.

After a few moments, he said, "I'm not leaving you alone here. And you don't have to worry. I won't take advantage of you. We don't even have to live together. Well, we will for a while until I can get another shelter built. But I was thinking about a log cabin. With your help, I'll bet I could build one within a few days. At least a simple one." He waved at the mobile unit. "I know you would want the modern conveniences and all with this thing."

She smiled. "How do you know that?"

"You told me before you hated going camping with your family when you were little. You preferred modern conveniences to campfires and nature walks."

She glanced down at the burnt out fire and said, "I guess you're a lot more suited to this than I am."

He walked back to her and said, "Well, I was going to say that but I didn't want my ego to rear its ugly head again."

"That's not ego. That's the truth."

"I'm not leaving you, Kathryn. And I'm not pressuring you. I don't want you to be afraid of me. Tuvok can take Voyager home. Between us here, there are no expectations. Nothing other than two friends sharing a long adventure together."

"Chakotay, you are a charming liar."

He placed a hand over his heart. "I promise. I won't touch you. I won't even speak about us or look at you. If you want me around just let me know. You've never had any trouble ordering me around before and I don't expect that will change now."

A transporter beam appeared and diverted their attention. Tuvok materialized and said, "Greetings. My apologies for the interruption, Captain."

"Tuvok," Chakotay said. "Has the Doctor found something to help her?"

Tuvok looked at the Captain and said, "I see she has informed you of her condition. I regret to tell you that the Doctor has found nothing further to help resolve the situation. But his endeavors shall continue."

Janeway stepped forward. "We've wasted enough time, Tuvok. I am placing you in command of Voyager."

"Captain?"

"The Commander has refused to rejoin the ship."

"I'm staying here with her, Lieutenant. You are in command now."

The Captain gave her acknowledgment and Tuvok said, "I see. If that is your final decision, I will have more supplies sent down immediately."

"I think we have enough," Chakotay said. "You've already provided the basics and the planet can actually provide the rest quite well."

"Well, I will have more medical supplies sent down just in case."

"And scientific equipment if you think Voyager can spare it," Janeway said. "I'd like to continue the Doctor's research here." She looked around the darkened woods. "It looks like I'll have a lot of free time on my hands here."

"Understood. I will do so at once."

"Thank you," she said. "Tuvok, they're a good crew. They deserve to see their families again. I know you can get them home."

"I shall do my best, Captain. Would you like to address them before we go?"

She nodded. "Yes. I'll do that when I return to the ship." She looked at Chakotay and said, "Well, Commander, you're welcome to spend a final night on a starship before we start roughing it for the rest of our lives."

"Thanks but I actually prefer it here." Extending a hand to Tuvok, he said, "Looks like this is goodbye again, Tuvok. It's been an honor."

Tuvok took his hand. "As it has been with you, Commander."

Chakotay noticed Tuvok's glance over at the Captain and said, "Don't worry. I'll take care of her."

"I must say it is highly logical to have a companion here especially one so versed in primitive outdoor living. I expect you will both do well."

Janeway smiled. "Yes. But I'm going to miss you, old friend."

Tuvok stiffened. "As I will you."

"I hate goodbyes too, Tuvok."

"Well, I'll leave you two alone," Chakotay said. "Good night, Captain. I'll see you tomorrow."

They watched as he walked inside. She hit her combadge and called, "Voyager, two to beam up."


	2. Chapter 2

The next morning, Chakotay was hewing some wood when the Captain's form materialized next to the house along with a few small boxes. He stopped and walked over to her. She smiled briefly before she turned and grabbed the first box from the ground. Chakotay took it from her and said, "Already said goodbye?"

She nodded and picked up another box. "Show me to my room, Commander?"

"Please don't call me that. We're not in a command structure down here." He took a second box from her and started towards the door. "You travel light."

She picked up the final box and followed him into the house. "Not as light as you do, apparently."

He placed the boxes on the table. "As long as I have my medicine bundle, everything else can pretty much be replaced."

She glanced around the bare small living space and said, "I see that."

"Feel free to add your own décor. I am going to start building the log cabin soon and then I'll be out of your hair."

"No rush."

He took the final box out of her arms and also placed it on the table. He pointed around the side wall and said, "The bedrooms. There are two separate beds but it's not a separate space. I can sleep out here or I've honestly enjoyed sleeping outdoors lately. The climate so far has been nice. I've missed sleeping under the stars."

"You don't have to inconvenience yourself. I'm sure you will respect my privacy."

Chakotay met her gaze. "I promise. I will."

She took a box and said, "Well, I guess I'll unpack and get familiar with my new home."

"I'd offer you some help but I'm sure there are things here you'd rather keep to yourself."

She shook her head. "Not really. But I don't need your help. Thank you, though."

He nodded. "Captain." He walked around her to go outside but stopped as she called him back.

"Chakotay?"

He turned. "Yes?"

"Please don't call me that. Like you said, we are no longer in a command structure and I don't…I don't have a ship anymore."

He placed his hands on his hips as he looked back at her. "Kathryn, Voyager will miss you just as much as you will miss her. I'm truly sorry you had to leave her."

She glanced away and took a breath to keep her emotions in check. "Thanks. She's in good hands."

"Yes, she is." He watched her turn away and shift the box. Her hand went to her face and he took a few steps towards her and extended his arms. "I'm sorry," he repeated.

Her lip trembled as she allowed him to take the box away and pull her to him. She let herself bury her face in his chest and cry for a few minutes.

Chakotay wrapped her tight as he held her. He knew her transition to a simpler life with just him was going to be the biggest challenge she had ever faced. He now had what he had always wanted. He just never imagined it would end up personally costing her so much.

The next day, Chakotay left the house early to work on gathering more wood. Kathryn had cried herself into exhaustion and he had carried her things into the bedroom, stored them, and helped her into bed where she still remained sleeping this morning.

When he walked back a few hours later, he noticed her lying on the ground in a simple dress patting her hands around some small plants that she had obviously just planted. "What are these?" he asked.

"These are Talaxian tomatoes. A gift from Neelix. We should have vine ripened fruit in just a few weeks." She patted the ground once more and then looked up, shielding her eyes from the sun.

He smiled and knelt down to ease the glare. "I never would have taken you for a gardener."

She patted the ground again. "I'm from Indiana. Farmland country. I did have some training in the ancient family arts."

"Then I guess we aren't so different after all, are we?" He fingered a plant and said, "My family taught me to hunt my food. Yours decided to be lazy and wait for it to grow. No wonder you're so small."

She grinned. "And I thought you were a vegetarian, Commander. Was hunting just for sport?"

"No. My family isn't vegetarian. I adopted it later on."

"Because you were contrary."

Chakotay looked at her with surprise. "How did you know my father called me that?"

"You told me at lunch one day that he used to call you that. I agree with him. It fits."

He smirked and rose up. "Don't make me angry, Captain. You haven't learned all my secrets to outdoor living just yet. You could be very sorry if you make the sole provider angry."

She jumped up too and brushed off her hands. "I asked you not to call me that. And, as you can see, I can provide for myself quite well."

"One storm before harvest and you're hungry again."

She pointed a finger at him. "Contrary. You see, Chakotay. Your father was right about you."

"Thank you."

She dropped her hand. "For what?"

"For putting a smile on your face today. I know how hard this is for you. For what it's worth, you don't have to be strong for me. I chose to be here, remember?"

"Yes. Yes, I do. And if you're having second thoughts about that, then I suggest you call Voyager before they are out of range and get yourself on the trip back home."

He shook his head and stepped closer to her. "No. I told Tuvok I would take care of you and I will."

She shook her head back and said, "Don't sacrifice yourself for something you are never going to get. Nothing is going to happen between us here. I meant that."

He bit his lip and said, "I promise you that I will never force myself on you. If I have to live on the other side of this planet to make you comfortable and just check in every once in a while, I'll do it. It's enough for me."

"No it's not. You think it is but I know you believe that at some point I'll fall into your arms and you and I will live out this Garden of Eden fantasy."

"Correction. It's a reality that can happen. You just need to stop fighting it."

Her mouth dropped and she stepped back. "It's not happening, Commander. Not ever!" She ran away and quickly headed for the house.

"I won't allow you to punish yourself forever, Kathryn. Voyager coming to the Delta Quadrant was not your fault and the illness that forces you to remain here was also not your fault! Do you hear me? Nothing is your fault! Stop suffering over things that you have no control of. Let it go!"

She whirled around at the doorway. He waited for her to speak but, instead, she turned, opened the door, and slammed it behind her. Chakotay sighed and looked down at the pile of wood he had brought back. Looking over at the bluff he had cleared a few days ago, he said, "Well, I guess I better get a roof over my head quickly since that went so well." Picking up the rope, he yanked his pile slowly behind him to his new home.

Days passed and Chakotay made quick work of laying out and building four walls. He planned to add to it after he had the basic framework set. The space he had picked overlooked the river and he built up the walls as high as he could without help.

Kathryn had spent most of her time laying out traps for the insects hoping to catch one of the ones that had infected her. He had no doubt she planned to use the scientific equipment she had brought to synthesize a cure. Her motivation was no doubt to leave this planet and him and get back to the life she had planned for.

They hadn't spoken since their argument save for a few polite greetings and necessary brief exchanges of information. As he walked over to the house, he noticed she was readying herself for another walk into the woods. "Kathryn?"

She stopped and looked at him.

He smiled and waved a hand at the burgeoning structure. "I know you have plans but, at some point, I could use your help to get the rest of the upper portion built. Then you won't have to look at me any longer. It won't take long. I rigged a pulley system to do most of the work but I do need an extra set of hands to move it along safely."

"Of course. Just let me change my clothes into something more appropriate."

He caught her arm and said, "You don't have to do it now. It's not important."

She looked down at his touch and said, "Yes, Commander, it is."

He sighed and released her. "So we're back to Commander, now?"

Kathryn disappeared into the house and returned a few minutes later in pants. She followed Chakotay's instructions over the next few hours and together they made quick work of the rest of the walls and a primitive roof. Chakotay wiped the sweat from his brow and brushed his hands across his bare chest as he said, "Thanks. I can do the rest from here."

Kathryn surveyed the building and said, "It's impressive. A real little house."

"Thanks. You know, if you want to move in here instead of keeping the shelter…" He stopped as she shook her head. "Well, it's an option for you, without me here, of course."

"No thanks. I like my replicator, Commander."

"Of course you do."

Kathryn watched as he picked up his tools and shimmied down from the roof. His slick muscles glistened under his sheen of sweat from working under the hot sun. She watched him refine the shingles he had chosen before climbing once more on top of the roof.

Chakotay caught her watching him and said, "I mean it. I don't need you anymore. I'm sorry I interrupted your day."

"It's okay. I could use the break. And you're welcome, Commander."

He watched her walk back to the house as he smacked at the wood with his hammer. A few minutes later, she re-emerged back in her dress and she and her equipment disappeared deep into the woods.


	3. Chapter 3

Chakotay worked long into what he thought was the burgeoning night until he looked up and realized that the recent darkness was from storm clouds not the sunset. As the clouds rolled in, plasma strikes flashed. He quickly glanced around to see if he could spot Kathryn. Calling her name, he made his way down and began running towards the house hoping she had returned without him noticing her.

As he burst into the home, he realized she was still out and ran into the woods calling her name. Strong winds whipped around him lifting small rocks and debris to lash at his bare chest and back. Dirt burned in his eyes as he hoped she had continued in the last direction he had seen her go.

"Kathryn! Kathryn!" He saw a small crumpled form ahead of him and slowed. As he reached it, he knelt down and realized he had found her. Picking her up in his arms, he was forced to crouch down, unable to carry her against the strong wind.

Patting her cheek, he placed himself over her body as he called her name. "Kathryn! Kathryn! Can you hear me?" He noticed a small rivulet of blood on her forehead no doubt from where an object had hit her with some force.

Looking around, Chakotay dragged her against a large rock to try and shield them from the worst of the storm. After a few minutes, it abated somewhat and he lifted her up once again.

She stirred in his arms and said, "Chakotay? What happened? What's happening?"

He leaned in close and said, "Can you walk? It's not safe out here and I can't carry you in this wind."

She nodded and he helped her stand up. She placed a hand against her pounding head as she leaned on him. He half carried her most of the way back. They stopped frequently as each wind gust almost forced them off their feet. Chakotay was half blind from the grit in his eyes but managed to spot the house ahead. He waited for the wind to ease a bit before lifting her onto his shoulders and running into the home.

They took cover under the table as the winds continued to scream and ravage the planet. Tree limbs punctured the walls and the roof started to come apart allowing any item not secured in the home to lift and fly around. Chakotay covered her as best he could while they waited for the storm to pass.

About an hour later, the storm had settled and disappeared almost as quickly as it had arisen. The mobile shelter was in shambles and Kathryn whimpered as she crawled from under Chakotay's body and glanced around.

He patted her shoulder and said, "It's okay. We can fix this."

She sat up and smacked her head on the table. "Ow!"

Chakotay covered her head with his hands and drew her to him. "I think you've banged this enough for one day." Cradling her, he gently crawled out from underneath and pulled her to her feet along with himself. They both surveyed the extensive mess.

Kathryn spied pieces of her research equipment lying strewn across the floor. She knelt down and fingered a shattered bit as she put a hand to her sore forehead. "I can't continue my research. It's all gone. It's all been destroyed."

Chakotay watched her pick up the broken parts and said, "Maybe we can fix it."

She shook her head. "No. No, we can't. It's too badly damaged. It's done." She threw the collected bits to the floor. "It's over."

"I'm sorry," Chakotay said quietly.

She looked over at him and, for the first time, noticed his bare skin was severely scratched and bruised from his chase through the woods. Old and fresh blood ran from several cuts and lacerations and that was only what she could see from the front. She walked over and turned him around only to find more blood and deeper scrapes. "Chakotay…" She ran a hand across a portion of his hurt skin and he flinched under her touch. His skin wasn't as deeply colored as it usually was and she realized it was probably from his loss of blood.

Tearing a portion of her dress, she ran to where they usually kept the water bucket only to find it had been emptied by the wind. Pointing to a chair, she ordered, "Sit! I'll be right back." Grabbing the bucket, she raced to the river and drew a bucket. It sloshed inside as she raced back to him.

Placing the pail down beside the chair, she dipped her ripped dress into the water and gently bathed his wounds. He flinched under her gentle touch and, after several minutes, grabbed her hand and said, "Can you please just find the dermal generator?"

She shook her head. "I can't close dirty cuts. You'll get an infection and from the looks of the replicator I don't think I can replicate any medicine."

Chakotay flinched again as she went back to working on cleaning his cuts. Any other time, he would have welcomed her touch but this was painful. He glanced at the replicator which they had taken for granted these past few weeks and realized that she was right. They would probably have to become true self survivalists after this storm. It scared him but only because he knew it would threaten her tenuous calm. Instinctively, he placed his hands on her arms and said, "Don't worry. I'll take of us."

She gave him a small smile and a quick nod before she went back to cleaning him up as best she could. After a few more minutes, she said, "There. I should have boiled the water first but I think the river is clean enough for just the basics."

She walked to a cabinet that had been damaged in the storm and reached inside for the few medical supplies they had. Drawing out the dermal generator and the hypo spray, she tested them and said, "They seem to be okay. The only problem is I have nothing for the hypo."

"It's okay. I'll live."

Kathryn watched as he grimaced and said, "You need to be in bed. Rest and let your body heal on its own."

Chakotay nodded and gingerly got up from the chair.

"Wait." He stopped and she grasped his arm. Quickly and gently, she wove the dermal generator over each wound that she knew she could safely knit back to together.

Chakotay closed his eyes as she ran her fingers over each healed site. Fingers became hands that gently swept across his chest and back as she carefully mended his torn skin. As she finished massaging the sore skin, he opened his eyes to look down at her. She smiled and cupped his chin. "Bed, now."

"Aye, Captain."

Chakotay walked back to the bedroom which seemed to be the only place that had remained relatively unscathed. Kathryn shook out the sheets from the bit of debris that had come in and carefully made sure he was covered in clean linen.

As she smoothed the top blanket, he grabbed her hand and said, "Thank you."

"You're welcome, Chakotay. Now sleep. "

His hand rose to touch the bit of blood on her forehead. He traced her scratch and then her cheek until she grabbed his hand and said, "Don't worry. I'll clean up next. Go to sleep. Get better. That's an order."

He smiled and closed his eyes. Kathryn sat beside him and waited until she heard his rhythmic breathing signaling sleep. As she rose, she began surveying their home to see which area to clean up first. Parts of her broken equipment still littered the floor and her heart ached as she realized that she and Chakotay could never leave this planet now. Or at least, she couldn't.

She sat down again and looked at the man who she now knew she would have no choice but to spend the rest of her life with. To her surprise, it heartened her a bit to know that it was going to be him. Chakotay. The man who had told her several times that he loved her. The man who had given up his life voluntarily to spend it taking care of her.

What a fool, she thought. Or was it she? Maybe she was the fool to have not opened herself up to such an offering of love. In the past she had a reason to deny him. Many reasons, in fact. But now, with no ship and no hope of returning to her fiancé, Kathryn's thoughts drifted to the possible what ifs that Chakotay had been trying to get her to consider. She looked around and imagined what kind of life that would be. Together. With him. There would be challenges but it was a life she had to admit she might like if she gave it a chance just like he had asked her to.

Kathryn leaned down and softly kissed his cheek. His scent reminded her of the pon farr they had experienced a few months ago. She remembered how it had made them both desperate to know each other intimately. She longed for it again and knew that she didn't want to live her life without another person to love her like that. And here he was.

Kathryn laid her head on his chest and listened to his strong heartbeat. She touched his face and then panicked as he stirred in his sleep. As his eyes fluttered, she jumped back and said, "Sshh, go back to sleep. I was just checking on you."

He did just that and Kathryn shook her head to clear her mind. Stepping back out into the living area, she busied herself with the major housework and cleaned late into the night stopping only to collapse and curl up atop a bed of blankets they had stored in the back area. Her head barely hit the soft fabric before she drifted into her own solid sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

Kathryn's eyes opened the next afternoon. She heard the sounds of animals scurrying outside as bright sunlight streamed through the holes in the roof and walls. She jumped up and stretched with her body still stiff from all her work the night before.

"Chakotay!" She walked into the bedroom and found him just as she had left him, sleeping. She called his name again to wake him and noticed his chest was working harder. A thin layer of sweat shone over his reddened chest and arms. "Chakotay?"

Kathryn drew back the covers and looked at some of the cuts that had been too deep for her to heal properly last night with the generator. They were angry and swollen just as his injuries had been when Seska had shot him and they were left to die on a barren planet without proper medical attention. Immediately, she knew he was fighting a raging infection.

Desperate and cursing, she ran to the river and grabbed another bucket of water. She raced it back to the house and made sure it boiled fully over an open campfire before she took it off the flames and rushed it inside.

She yelped as she plunged her bare hands and a clean cloth into the hot water. Quickly drawing it out, she cooled it before gently bathing Chakotay's chest and back once again. The hot water and painful infection stirred him a bit but not to full consciousness.

Kathryn finished bathing his wounds as best she could and dressed them in the cleanest cloth she could find. Racing to the river one more time, she took another pail of cool river water but this time used it to bathe his hot face in an attempt to try and bring his fever down.

When she had done what she could, she rushed to the damaged replicator and spent an hour trying to restore it to some semblance of order. She managed to rig it for one final request before she knew she would overload the circuitry for good. A small vial of antibiotics appeared which she grabbed quickly before the replicator exploded.

She shook off the small burns on her hands and grasped the hypo spray. Dialing a dose, she pressed it to Chakotay's neck and watched his breathing even out. "Oh please, please be okay. I'm so sorry, Chakotay. I'm so sorry you got hurt for me."

Kathryn held vigil throughout the day repeating the hot and cool water baths and giving him the smallest dose she felt she could spare with the limited medicine she had. As night fell, his breathing became shallow again and his fever seemed to be spiking. She leaned in close and whispered, "Please don't leave me." She slid to the floor and knelt by his bedside. "Please don't leave me here all alone. Please, please don't do that." Tears rolled down her cheeks as she looked up. "Please don't take him. It's my fault he's here. Please don't punish him. Please don't punish him over me. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for everything I've done. All of this is my fault. Please don't take him."

"Kathryn." She looked over and rose up to brush his damp forehead with her cool hand as he mumbled again. "Kathryn."

"Chakotay?" She leaned in close to his ear and whispered, "I'm right here, Chakotay. Please stay with me."

"I…I love you."

She smiled and said, "I know. That's why I want you to stay with me. Please. Please stay for me."

His eyes opened completely and he looked up at her. His deep brown eyes searched hers as he repeated, "I love you."

She nodded and brushed away a tear. "I know you do. And if you mean that, you won't die on me. Please. Please don't do that. Because, if you do, you're too big for me to drag out of this house and bury. I can't do that by myself. I need you."

He broke into a feverish grin. "Then I guess I won't do that to you."

She stroked his cheek with the back of her hand and said, "I'd appreciate that very much, Chakotay."

Chakotay's eyes fluttered closed and he slipped back into sleep. Kathryn kept watch beside him until early sunrise when his fever finally broke and she knew he had indeed decided to stay.

After a few days of Kathryn's nursing, Chakotay was well enough to return to his normal routine. Kathryn had done as much as she could cleaning up the storm mess which was quite a bit. Chakotay only had to repair the structural damage to the shelter which he made quick work of with her help.

The log cabin had come through the storm virtually unscathed owing to its sturdier structure and the fact that Chakotay had built it away from the forest trees on a bluff overlooking the river. As he completed the roof, he declared the building ready to move into and decided to discuss their new living arrangements at dinner.

Since his recovery, Kathryn had been more attentive to him and more open than ever. He knew he had scared her with his recent illness and, now that her research was effectively over, he also knew that she had no choice but to create a new life on the planet with him. He didn't want to take advantage of her period of adjustment and gave her as much space as he thought she needed. Still, she seemed to prefer spending most of her time with him and he wasn't complaining.

At the table that night, he watched as she placed two bowls of tomato soup in front of them. He knew it was the last of the fruit that she had rescued from the garden after the storm.

"You made this?" he asked.

She placed her napkin on her lap and said, "It's edible. I promise."

Chakotay took a spoon and stirred it. "Are you sure?"

He recognized her old captain's glare as she ordered, "Eat it and, if you don't like it, you can starve."

He laughed and tasted a spoonful. Licking his lips, he said, "Not bad. Could use some spices but it's not bad at all."

Kathryn looked at him and said, "Well, as soon as you trade for spices, I'll update my recipe."

"Recipe. Kathryn Janeway cooking. Wait until I tell…" He stopped and quickly took another spoonful.

"Tell someone on Voyager?" she finished. "Who? I'd never hear the end of it from Tuvok but Neelix, I think, would be very proud of me."

"I'm sure he would." Chakotay covered her hand with his. "And so am I."

She pulled back and said, "We need to find some other food sources. With the replicator gone, we are going to be totally dependent on the land and I don't have many seeds left."

"Don't worry. I can fish the river and hunt the woods. There's enough small game in the woods that we can keep and store safely for quite a while. But, you will need to learn how to do everything I do, just in case."

Kathryn's smile dropped and she nodded. "I know. I will."

Chakotay patted her hand. "Hey, it's not that I'm planning on going anywhere but you need to know, just in case."

Kathryn played with her soup. "I know. I also know that I can be better than you in some things so prepare your ego."

"Is that so?"

"Yes. I beat you every time we play velocity. I'm a better shot than you."

Chakotay chuckled. "Well, I hate to crush your spirit, Kathryn, but you don't hunt with a phaser. You'll be learning how to use a bow and arrow as soon as I can craft them."

Her nose wrinkled. "Archery? A phaser's easier and quicker."

"Well, unless you plan on eating charred meat, the arrow is a cleaner kill."

Kathryn put her spoon down and wiped her mouth. "One problem. You don't eat meat."

"I will if the alternative is starving to death. Besides, I think I can fish better than we can initially hunt so I hope you like seafood."

"That's actually more appealing to me right now."

"Good."

Kathryn leaned over and wiped her thumb against the corner of his mouth. "Soup."

He caught her hand and held it against his mouth. She smiled as he gazed at her for several moments until he said, "I need to talk to you about something. I finished the cabin today. I can move in any time or you can, if you prefer."

She felt his hot breath on her fingers as he spoke and asked, "You're moving out?"

"Well, yes, I thought you wanted me to. You wanted me to respect your space and…" He rubbed her fingers against his chin. "Actually, at the risk of pressuring you, I'd much rather if you moved in with me. It's safer, especially if we have another plasma storm. And, I'd enjoy the company… and the soup."

"Me too," she said.

"The soup or the company?" He stared again until he added, "Kathryn, my feelings haven't gone away. I want to be honest with you. I won't pressure you but I do want more than to just keep you company."

"I know. I know that, Chakotay." She glanced away and tried to pull her hand away but he held it tight forcing her to look back at him.

"Let me tell you a story about how I really feel. It's an ancient legend among my tribe. Maybe it will help you understand."

Kathryn listened intently as he told her a story about a strong warrior who went searching to quell his inner turmoil ultimately finding peace with the woman he had sworn to protect when she needed him the most. When he finished, she broke into a teasing smile and said, "Is that really an ancient legend?"

Chakotay gave her a sheepish grin. "No, but it's from my heart and it's my truth. I did find my peace, Kathryn, when we found each other. You're what I needed and had been searching for my whole life and I didn't know it until you were right there in front of me. Strong and beautiful and perfect."

Kathryn placed both of her hands against his cheek and came across the table. For the first time, she initiated a kiss and he eagerly welcomed it. His hands dropped down her body as she deepened their connection and Chakotay rose up and grabbed her lifting her up and onto the table.

He cleared the way and the remaining soup and bowls splattered across the floor as he laid her down and tried to take control of their passion. Their hands searched each other as Kathryn pulled at his shirt. He quickly pulled it over his head and she let her hands roam freely over his bare tanned skin and muscles. He moved over her again and lifted her dress to run his hands underneath. Her back arched as his fingers reached her.

Kathryn struggled to contain her breath as she placed small licks and kisses against his chest and arms. She grabbed his hair as he bent down to kiss her once again and abandoned herself completely to his touch. She screamed as he worked her to a feverish peak and then went limp in his arms before he swept her up and carried her into the bedroom. It was his bed they shared as they made love for the first time and every time throughout the night until they both collapsed, completely spent, at dawn.


	5. Chapter 5

It was afternoon when Kathryn awoke in Chakotay's arms. A gentle breeze drafted in through the open window as she looked up and saw him smiling down at her. She smiled back and rose up to kiss him. He rolled her back onto the bed and she allowed him to straddle her again.

His hand slipped into her tangled hair as he held her gently and said, "I love you."

Kathryn bit her lip and opened her mouth to speak but he shook his head.

"Don't say it if you don't mean it yet. Just tell me one thing, are you sorry it happened?"

"No, Chakotay. I'm not."

He grinned and kissed her as she allowed him to take her once more. After they satisfied each other once again, she lay in his arms, peaceful, and announced, "I'm hungry."

Chakotay laughed. "So am I."

"Show me how to hunt?"

Chakotay stroked her hand. "I still have to make the bows and arrows. Besides, I thought you wanted seafood."

"Fishing?" Kathryn popped up and he watched the bed sheets fall away from the beautiful pale body he had gotten to know very well. Her long hair spilled over her shoulders as she said, "Now this I can do without any help from you."

Chakotay's eyes roamed over her nakedness. "Uh, what did you say?"

Kathryn noticed his distraction and grabbed the sheets. Chakotay protested and she slapped his hands away. "I'm serious. I need food if we are going to continue to do this."

His eyes met hers and he sat up. "Fishing, you said? Let's get to the river, now."

Kathryn laughed. "Such a man." She climbed over him and slid out of bed. She looked around for some clean clothes and began to dress.

"Just remember," he said. "I am a man in love with you."

She stopped and looked at him as she tied her hair back. "Chakotay, I…"

He shook his head as he stood up and pulled on a pair of pants. "Don't. I don't want you to say anything you aren't ready to." He walked over and kissed her. "I mean that. That means more to me than hearing you say something you're not ready to say. And it will make it that much more meaningful when you do."

She smiled almost apologetically and said, "Thank you."

He nodded. "Fishing. Now what's this you said about being an expert trout person?"

She grabbed a pail and said, "I collect the best insects. I get the best fish." She ran out the door as Chakotay grabbed a shirt and pulled it over his head before following her out.

A few hours later, Chakotay and Kathryn sat by the camp fire he had made by the new cabin. The remains of several fish bones were scattered around them. Kathryn leaned back against his shoulders and glanced up at the setting sun. She sighed and said, "I could live like this forever."

"Good, because I think that's our plan." He watched her smile fade and added, "It's easy to forget sometimes, isn't it? Easy to forget that there is no ship above us waiting for shore leave to end. No duty shifts, no orders, no reports or rosters to review and sift through. It feels good to be free of it all and, still, there are moments when you would give anything to have it back, wouldn't you?"

"Yes," she breathed. "Many moments." Turning, she said, "How did you know that I felt that way? You always know how I feel, Chakotay."

He hugged her tight and said, "Because sometimes I feel the same way too."

They were silent for a bit before she said, "Are you sorry you…?"

"Not for a second," he said.

She laughed. "That was a quick answer."

He kissed the top of her head. "It was an honest one."

"Chakotay?"

"Yes?"

She hesitated and he slid his hands up and down her arms. She felt his warm skin tingle with hers as he touched her. She turned around and placed her hands on his cheeks, kissing him deeply. He gently brought her body to him and, once again, tried to roll on top of her.

But this time, she resisted and forced herself to remain seated on top. Undressing him ever so slightly, she watched his face as she took control and pleasured them both. Dusk fell as their heavy breathing and the ultimate completion of their act forced them to cling to one another yet again.

"Chakotay?" she gasped.

"Yes?"

Her eyes closed briefly as his hot breath puffed across her face. "I want to move in with you. I want this to be our home."

He gripped her tighter and said, "You mean that?"

"Yes. And I want you," she said.

"Kathryn, you've always had that." His lips found hers as he gently rolled her underneath him on the ground. As he moved over her once again, Kathryn's sigh mingled with the forest nightlife as it came alive under the moonlit sky.

A few weeks later, Chakotay and Kathryn had settled into a serene life by the river. Kathryn had done her best to make the small cabin a home with small touches of their personal items that they had both brought from the ship. Chakotay's art and woodwork that he did in his spare time also decorated it inside and out and he made primitive furniture to complement their new rustic home.

Kathryn's house warming present was her favorite item yet. Chakotay had surprised her with a large bathtub that she loved to soak in alone or together with him at night. She suspected he had made it oversized not just for her comfort but also for his enjoyment and they put it to good use many, many times.

One morning, Chakotay awoke to find Kathryn already out of the house. He walked outside and noticed her down by the river. She was bent over and realized she must be doing the wash until he spied the laundry basket in the corner. He walked back and heard her cough several times.

"Kathryn?"

Kathryn jumped as she heard his voice and looked up. She held her hair back with one hand while the other rested over her tender stomach. Her eyes were red and watery as she took a few deep breaths.

Chakotay knelt down and took her arm. "What's wrong? Are you sick?"

She nodded and let go of her hair to wipe her eyes. "Yes. Yes, Chakotay, I am."

He looked at the water and said, "I feel fine. Did I not cook your fish enough last night?"

Kathryn took another deep breath and smiled. "No, I think you did." Rising up, she took his face in her hands and smiled. "Chakotay, I need to tell you something."

Chakotay looked worried. "What?"

She kissed him and said, "I love you."

"What?" His eyes widened and his heart jumped but he quickly tempered his excitement. His hand felt her forehead. He searched for a fever but found she was no warmer than usual. "Are you sure of what you just said to me? Are you okay? Do you need to lie down?"

She laughed and shook her head. "No, no, Chakotay, I'm fine. Or I'll be fine. I just wanted to tell you that so you know I meant it before I tell you what else I have to say."

"Something else?" He glanced at the water again and then back at her. He searched her eyes as he remembered how he had found her and sat down hard on the ground. "Why do I think I need to sit for this?"

She smiled and said, "Actually, you probably do. I know I did."

A soft breeze ruffled his hair that had grown longer in the absence of a regular barber. "Kathryn, are you…"

She nodded and a tear slipped down her cheek. "I think so."

"But didn't you…? Aren't we…?"

"I don't like sickbay."

"Neither do I."

"Well, then I guess both of us…we never updated…"

Chakotay rose to his knees and grabbed her. "Are you telling me that you are going to have my baby?"

Her smile faltered a bit. "I…I'm pretty sure. I think so. I mean you are the only male here that I've been playing with. Is that okay?"

"Okay? Okay? You're asking me if it's okay if you…if we…Kathryn…" He kissed her deeply stopping only when he felt her struggle against him for air. He pushed her back and said, "I'm sorry. I…."

She laughed and pushed his hands away. "It's okay. I'm fine. And I love you."

Chakotay's eyes watered. "You mean that. I can see you really mean that."

She nodded and kissed his cheek. "I do."

"You mean that."

She kissed his forehead and repeated, "I do. I do."

"Marry me, Kathryn."

Kathryn pulled back. "What?"

"Marry me. Right now. Right here."

Kathryn shook her head. "Chakotay, we can't. There's no one to do it. Besides, it doesn't mean anything here."

It was Chakotay's turn to shake his head. "I don't care. It means something to me. Will you marry me?"

She hesitated as their eyes darted back and forth. She felt Chakotay's hand press against her stomach as he repeated, "Marry me, Kathryn. Be my wife not just the mother of my child."

"Chakotay, I…"

"Yes?"

She licked her lips and smoothed back her hair as it fluttered in the wind. "Yes," she whispered.

"Yes?"

She nodded and raised her voice. "Yes."

He swept her up in his arms and pressed his lips to hers. Suddenly, he felt wetness against his cheeks and pulled back. Searching her troubled face, he said, "Kathryn, listen to me. I'm not going anywhere. I promise I am the one fiancé you will never lose. Not ever."

Kathryn's voice dropped again. "You can't promise me that."

"I just did." Kathryn trembled and he wrapped her tight against his chest and rocked her a bit. He smoothed her hair with his hand and said, "Everything will be okay."

Kathryn shook her head. "No, no it's not. This is ridiculous. This never should have happened. I can't do this. We can't have a baby. Not here. There's no one to help and no supplies and no…"

She pulled away and tried to stand, stumbling a bit as she stepped back. Chakotay caught her as he stood up. He tried to draw her close again but she pushed him away. "Kathryn," he said, "We can do this together."

"No! I'm sick. I'm infected with whatever that insect was. What if our baby…No, I can't do this. We can't have a baby. This just can't happen."

Chakotay pulled her to him. "Listen to me! It's happening. We can't undo it. I know you're scared and I know this place isn't ideal. But we can make it work! Where do you think you and I come from? Humans were born long before technology and modern advances existed. They survived. If they hadn't, you and I wouldn't be here now."

"But they had a civilization! A community! It's just you and me! What is this child going to do if something happens to one or both of us which it will since, best case scenario, we'll outlive him or her?" Kathryn shook her head violently. "No! I won't do it. I won't subject my child to loneliness and…"

"Stop it! Stop and look and listen to me. We have the shuttle. If it scares you that much, you can have the baby and we can take everything we can store between now and then and find our way back to another planet that will accept us. Okay?"

Tears streamed down her face. "Not okay. I can't leave, remember?"

Chakotay felt his own sense of panic start to rise. He fought it and pressed her back into his chest. "Then you're stuck with me and our baby here, Kathryn. And I really think everything will be okay. I'm not planning on dying for a very long time and I'm sure this planet will have visitors long before then. I don't imagine we'll be alone forever. It's only a matter of time before someone decides to stake a claim here."

Kathryn sniffed. "Wonderful, alien invaders and we have nothing to protect ourselves with. I can't do it, Chakotay! I won't!"

He held her shoulders and said, "Hey, they could be friendly. Three people are not much to conquer and I'm not sure you have a choice at this point. We can't undo this. The child has been created."

She pressed her face into him and her voice was muffled as she said, "I know."

He rubbed her back and swallowed hard and said, "Okay, then how about this? You have the baby and then…and then, if it really scares you that much, then I…I can take the child…" His voice broke as he continued. "I can find a home for the baby somewhere else. I…I can do that, Kathryn, if…if that's what you really want."

Kathryn's tears stopped and she pulled away. She took a few steps back and wiped her eyes and nose. "I could never do that, Chakotay, nor could you. You would no more give up your own child forever than leave me."

He smiled and took her hands in his. "You're right. And I wish I could fix this for you, Kathryn. Make it all okay so you could be comfortable with the future as I see it can be. You fought what we have right now, remember? And look at what's happened. We're happy."

Kathryn sniffed. "Yes, look what's happened. Our child's future is not realistic. It's not fair."

"It's not here yet. Stop imagining terrors and fears that may never come to pass. You don't know what our child may or may not experience and you have no right to decide anything about it right now."

Kathryn challenged his stern expression and crossed her arms. "Chakotay, I…" She stopped and sighed. "This is our first parenting fight, isn't it?"

He grinned and said, "Yes, Kathryn, it is."

She made another swipe of her wet face and said, "Then I reserve the right to say I told you so when my future does come true and our child blames me. The mother always gets the blame."

Chakotay's smile widened. "Our child will love you, just like I do. And our child will be resilient and resourceful just like we are."

Fresh tears spilled down her cheeks as she dropped her arms and allowed him to hold her again.

"I hope so. I love you," she whispered.

"I know so and I love you too. Both of you, Kathryn. You and our child. You are my heart, forever."


	6. Chapter 6

Over the next few days, Kathryn remained quiet but responded to Chakotay's protectiveness as she fought for control over what was happening to her body and her life. He knew she was losing the battle when he found her crying in solitary places around their home site.

He did his best to avoid mentioning their child to help give her space and to also help her relax and adapt to the upcoming change that would be affecting them both. She cuddled in bed with him every night but had cooled to his sexual advances and he reluctantly let the issue drop.

The next morning, Chakotay awoke to find Kathryn gone. He instinctively looked out to the river to see if her morning sickness had returned. Not seeing her, he quickly dressed and walked outside calling her name. She didn't respond and he did his best not to succumb to his quickly rising panic.

"Kathryn! Kathryn! Answer me!" Running back into the house, he rummaged through her drawers and closet and noticed the one salvageable research device that she had kept was missing. "Damn it!"

Chakotay ran out the door and into the woods calling for her. Tree limbs and branches lashed at him as he ran down the path he knew she normally took. "Kathryn! Kathryn!"

He stopped as a small primate jumped in front of him. He had detected and heard the small mammals in the forest but had never seen one until now. The small monkey looked at him curiously and then bounded into the trees and over to a small series of empty caves that he and Kathryn had explored together one lazy afternoon.

Chakotay ran over to the cave sites and peeked inside. He found the first one vacant and also the second one. As he emerged to search the last one, he saw the monkey had perched atop the smooth rock face. Placing his hands on his hips, he said, "Why do I think you're trying to tell me something?"

The monkey screeched.

"Do you know where Kathryn is? Small human like me about so high? Is she in there?" He held his hand to her height as the monkey screeched again before bounding away.

Chakotay watched until he was out of sight before dipping his head into the final cave. There, he saw Kathryn sitting against the wall. Her knees were pulled up and her hands covered her face as she cried. Chakotay swatted the hanging webs and vines and crawled inside. "Kathryn?"

She scooted away and said, "Don't! Don't come near me!"

"Why? Are you okay? Let me help you."

"No!" Kathryn moved her hands from her face and he noticed her fingers were stained.

"What's all over your hands?"

Kathryn cried harder. "Please go away."

"No." He moved inside and she tried again to move away. He caught her arm and noticed her dress was also stained with a dark liquid. "Stop struggling! You'll hurt yourself and the baby! Let me help you."

Kathryn fought harder. "No! You can't help me. There is no baby! Not anymore!"

Chakotay stilled and let go of her arm. "What…what did you just say?"

Kathryn turned her tear stained face to his. "I'm sorry, Chakotay. I'm so sorry."

Chakotay stared for a moment and then said, "Oh please, Kathryn, what did you do?"

Kathryn's eyes widened as she gasped and cracked her palm against his cheek hard. Chakotay reeled from the hit and sat back. "How dare you!" she said. "You…you actually think I would….I hate you!"

She pounced on him and he was hit with a flurry of punches that he quickly blocked. He managed to hold her hands down away from his face. Shaking her, he said, "Stop it! Stop it! Calm down! Look at me. What happened? What happened to you?"

Kathryn put her head down and he watched her tears hit the dirt floor. He shook her again and said, "Kathryn, talk to me."

She kept her head down and said, "I didn't feel well again this morning so I got up and took a walk thinking it might help."

"What do you mean you didn't feel well again? Was it morning sickness?"

She shook her head. "No, I've been having cramps the past couple of mornings. I thought it was maybe just because of the baby growing but…this morning…"

"Kathryn, look at me."

She shook her head again.

"Look at me," he demanded. Slowly, her face turned to his. "They got worse today," he said.

She nodded and choked out, "I'm so sorry, Chakotay." He released her wrists and held out his arms but she refused. "Please go away."

He turned away to dash a few of his own tears. "No. You need to be taken care of. Let's go home and I'll clean you up and we can…."

Kathryn shook her head vehemently. "No! No, you won't touch me."

Chakotay stared. "I would never…look I'll help you in whatever way you need but you can't stay here. You need to be in a cleaner place. Let me help you get back to the house."

"No. Don't touch me."

He waited and watched her shrink away from him. "Okay," he said as he backed up. "Then will you at least follow me out? I promise I won't touch you." She hesitated then slowly started to crawl towards him. "That's it. Just let me know if you need help."

Kathryn made her way out of the cave and clung to the side of the entrance to raise herself up. She glared as Chakotay offered his hands and he quickly pulled them away. "Don't touch me," she repeated.

He nodded and stepped back as Kathryn led the way towards home.

Chakotay waited while Kathryn bathed and dressed herself in fresh clothes. She refused anything to eat but did take a cup of tea he made. As she sat in the chair, she stared out over the river and he sat beside her.

After several minutes of silence, she said, "You blame me for this, don't you?"

"I would never blame you. This isn't your fault." He shook his head. "You know, I get tired of saying that to you. Why do you need to take on every setback as a personal failure? Maybe it just wasn't meant to be for now."

"Not ever."

Chakotay looked at her before staring back over the river. "Does that mean…"

"It means I don't want you to touch me." She took a sip of the tea and placed it down on the table. After a moment, she looked over at him and realized he was struggling to contain his emotions. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

Chakotay took a deep breath and slid his hands over his knees as he stood up. "Don't. You need time. I understand." He cleared his throat and said, "Do you want me to sleep out here tonight or…"

Kathryn shook her head. "I'm going to move back to the shelter."

"You're what?"

She met his gaze and repeated, "I am going to move back to the shelter. I prefer it there."

"No you don't," Chakotay snapped. "You're going to go shut down and close yourself off just like you always do. That's not happening, Kathryn!"

Kathryn shot up from the chair and put her hands on her hips. "Don't tell me what's not happening! I will be living in the shelter, Commander!"

Chakotay stepped back. "Commander? Where the hell did that come from? We're not on the ship anymore, Kathryn! They're not coming back! All you have is me now!" He pounded his chest. "Me! The man you love! You don't have to go through this alone. It was my baby too! I lost our baby too!"

Kathryn's lip trembled as she watched him get emotional. Before she could speak, a faint crackle startled both of them. "What was that?" she said.

Chakotay walked past her and followed the sound to the kitchen. He realized it was coming from the long discarded communicator he had tossed on top of the cabinet. "It can't be."

She hurried over to stand next to him as Chakotay brought the communicator down.

"_Voyager to Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay. Do you read?"_

They looked at one another before Kathryn pressed the button and responded, "Tuvok? Yes, we read you."

"_Captain, it is good to hear your voice. We will be in orbit over your planet within the next twenty four hours. We have medicine for you." _

Kathryn shook her head as tears welled and she said, "Tuvok, you have no idea how happy I am to hear that. Am I going to like how you managed to get it?"

"_I shall accept any punishment you deem fit, Captain. We will see you both shortly. Tuvok out."_


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Thank you to everyone who stuck with this story and especially to those who let me know what you thought along the way. I appreciate your feedback always. I hope you continue to enjoy. Thank you for reading! **

Kathryn couldn't remember the blur of the past forty-eight hours. Against her wishes, Tuvok and the crew had made contact with the Vidiians who had an antidote for her infection. The doctor had treated her with it as well as tended to her other medical issues from her time on the planet. The Doctor did assure her that there would be no lasting ill effects from the miscarriage but she had simply shaken her head and said it didn't matter if there were. She had no intention of ever putting herself in that position again. She had been touched when the Doctor had said that it would be a great tragedy if she were to completely dismiss motherhood as a possibility. He thought Kathryn Janeway would do quite well as a mother.

Kathryn had left sickbay and made quick work of resuming her duties on the bridge. Chakotay grew more and more frustrated with her as she returned to her cool, professional demeanor with him and pulled completely away.

One afternoon, Kathryn was in her ready room eating a small lunch and catching up on reports when she was startled by the man standing in front of her desk. "Chakotay."

"I rang a few times but you didn't answer."

"I'm sorry. I've been keeping busy with getting back to work."

Chakotay sat down. "I see that. That's what I wanted to talk to you about."

Kathryn rubbed her forehead. "Chakotay, I don't think I'm ready to have this conversation with you."

"Well, get ready because you're not avoiding it any longer."

She sighed. "Okay, what's on your mind, Commander?"

Chakotay studied her for a moment and said, "How are you feeling, Kathryn?"

She crossed her arms and said, "We are not now nor are we ever discussing what happened on that planet on this ship. It's over. It's done. I had the Doctor seal my medical records. We're back to where we belong and this conversation is over. Dismissed, Commander."

Chakotay's eyes narrowed. "Or what? You're going to remove me from this ship again?"

Kathryn picked up a padd. "You removed yourself. If you want to go back and stay on the planet, you can take a shuttle now and double back."

Chakotay rose from the chair and slapped the padd out of her hand. Leaning across the desk, he said, "It's that easy for you? To just ignore everything that happened including the loss of our child? You can just go on as if nothing ever happened?"

Kathryn rose to challenge him. "Don't."

"Don't what?"

"Don't you dare bring that up and throw it in my face!" Her voice trembled. "What happened down there was a blessing."

"I agree. One that we can have again."

She looked down. "No. I…I didn't mean it that way."

Chakotay's face belied his surprise and horror as he realized what she was saying. "I don't normally misjudge people this badly and I really don't think I have now. I am going to believe that you're in as much pain as I am right now. I know you're just better at shutting it down and pushing it all away. I don't envy you that skill, Kathryn, because you need people to help you. And, if you don't want me to be the one to do it, then let it be someone. Tuvok, the Doctor, pick someone. Anyone. Just don't go through it alone. There were two people on that planet and then there were three." He stepped closer. "And don't you dare dishonor the memory of our child by not acknowledging that they existed and they were loved. By both of us. That child was created out of the same love you and I shared and still share whether you admit to it or not."

Kathryn's eyes darted with his. "Are you finished, Commander?"

"No, I'm not. I still love you. You enjoyed yourself when you let all this go and you were happy. I know you can't be as free here as the captain but don't forget to be Kathryn here too. She deserves it and it's good for her and for you."

Kathryn's eyes grew steely. "Anything else?"

Chakotay's concerned expression changed to hurt as he shook and then bowed his head. He took a few steps to leave but stopped and said, "Have a good night, Captain."

She relaxed as she watched him head for the door but then called him back. "Wait." He turned and she said, "Our time together was very special to me, Chakotay." She held up a hand as his face lightened. "But, we're not there anymore. We're here and I need to get back to this ship and to my crew."

"Our crew."

She nodded. "I'm back to reality now and you need to get there too if you're going to remain on board."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning you and I will never have that type of relationship again. You will be aboard this ship as my first officer only. I am asking you, no, I am requiring you, to hold to protocol and to not pursue any romantic feelings you have towards me. Nor do I ever want to discuss what happened between us on that planet again. If you can handle that request, I'd really like you to stay."

Chakotay glanced away. "I appreciate that you finally asked me to stay. It's a big step for you. And I also appreciate that you're not ready to talk about this yet. It's too fresh."

Kathryn shook her head. "Chakotay…"

"No, I understand. I do. But I'm not going to forget what happened between us. What we shared, how you looked when we…"

"Stop it!" She slammed her hand on the desk.

Heavy silence permeated the room as she paced back and forth.

Finally, she looked up and he could see the tears in her eyes. "I will say this one more time. What happened was a mistake. I said what I said because you were the only human being that I was ever going to see for the rest of my life." She wanted to look away to avoid seeing the pain in his eyes but didn't. "Do you really want me to hurt you like this, Chakotay? I don't feel the same way about you that you do for me. And I took advantage of that while we were together because it was the only thing to do when you and I got thrown together into that situation."

"Kathryn…"

"No, let me finish. If the roles had been reversed, if you had been sick and couldn't leave that planet, Chakotay, I…" She hesitated before saying, "I wouldn't have stayed for you."

Chakotay watched her struggle with her emotions as she spoke. He nodded and said, "I know. You couldn't. You have a ship to run. A crew to get home."

She shook her head. "No, that's not the only reason. Chakotay, I don't love you. Not the way you love me. You need to start believing that."

He took a deep breath and said, "I'll believe it when it's true."

"Please…"

"Like I said before, Kathryn, just because you don't acknowledge it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. That your feelings aren't there." He walked towards her. "But you don't get that yet. You don't because it threatens you. It scares you to death. And that's okay. I understand it." He stopped and looked at her. "It's okay because I know you'll get there, some day."

"Chakotay, I…"

"It may not be with me. I understand that. I hear it. And I hear your message to back off loud and clear and I'll do it. But I'm not a fool, Kathryn and you won't make me one no matter how hard you demand it of me."

"I'm not trying to make a fool out of you, Chakotay."

He smiled and said, "I know. I know more about you than you think I do. You're very transparent for such a private person." He raised a hand and took her chin. He leaned down as if to kiss her but she pulled away. "Your secrets are safe with me, Kathryn. I'll see you on the bridge as you expect. Tomorrow at 0600 hours. Good night, Captain."

She felt his hand drop away and he walked out of her room. Disappointment hit her full force and she was suddenly very sorry that he had just granted her wish.


End file.
